"They received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so." ~ Acts 17:11

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22)

If you have any Christian humorous stories or one liners, that you feel should be included on this site, please send us an e-mail with all pertinent information included.  We will review your suggestions. If we agree with you, we will post the material to the site as soon as possible. We do welcome and value your feedback! :-)

Divine Parenting

By: Author Unknown

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And, the first thing God said to them was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?!" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break. And, He was very angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you do it?" God asked, exasperated.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

And, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own!

Golf Stories

By: Author Unknown

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As the eagle and the frog passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." :-)

It Takes Years to Learn These Truths

By: GCFL

• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
• The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
• Your friends love you anyway.
• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Important Things I've Learned From Kids

By: Author Unknown

• It's more fun to color outside the lines.
• If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
• Ask why until you understand.
• Hang on tight.
• Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
• Make up the rules as you go along.
• It doesn't matter who started it.
• Ask for sprinkles.
• If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
• Save a place in line for your friends.
• Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
• If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
• Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
• Making your bed is a waste of time.
• There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
• Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
• You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
• You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

All I Need To Know, I Learned From Noah's Ark!

By: Author Unknown

• Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
• Don't listen to critics, do what has to be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
• Two heads are better than one.
• Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
• If you can't fight or flee, float
• Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
• Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
• When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain, shovel!!!
• Stay below deck during the storm.
• Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
• If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
• Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
• Don't miss the boat.
• No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Poor Noah, The Project Manager

By: Author Unknown

Note: This story has been modified to help drive its message.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said: 'In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to act as Project Manager and build Me an Ark.'

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

'OK,' said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

'Six months, and it starts to rain,' thundered the Lord. 'You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.'

And, six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And, there was no Ark. 'Noah,' shouted the Lord, 'where is my Ark?' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

'Lord, please forgive me!' begged Noah. 'I did my best. But, there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But, they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.

Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. 'You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?' Noah asked, hopefully.

'No,' said the Lord sadly, 'Government already has!' :-)

Senility Prayer

(A Variation As You Age)

Stock Market Report

By: Author Unknown

The Baptist Barber

By: Author Unknown

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task.

Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.  It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved." :-)

Senior Personal Ads

By: GCFL

• FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
• LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
• SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
• WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
• BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
• MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
• MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

The Lord's Prayer

By: GCFL

I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. 

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.

Top 10 Stupid Inventions

By: Andychaps "The Funnies"

Sales Techniques

By: Unknown

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louie stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louie, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. 

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

The Generation Gap

By: Nancy Reagan

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."

The Practice of Medicine

By: